apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
His status said "sad." of course I liked it. I don't even care that I was the only one. Facebook isn't your god damn journal, we don't care about your problems.
Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
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