I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Randomize
