i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
Randomize
