Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
they have a video of him in his boxers making a snow angel in the hallway is his own vomit and coca cola.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
I'm just crazy horny about you
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
sex on acid sucks though, i want to connect with the universe not your dick.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
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