I am in a vortex of obligation.
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Sorry you called when I was puking in a cheetos bag
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
Randomize
