we're chasing vodka with high fives
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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