he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
