Either these are mashed potatoes in my pants, or I was drunker than I thought.
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
there is vodka in my soul right now. The vapor is coming out my nose.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
Randomize
