My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
All I'm saying is that any 24 year old guy who sends me a snapchat from the vantage point of his dick with the caption "hiding behind my weiner" is off my list potentially dateable guys.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
My weirdest encounter with a stranger though was when for some reason they just gave me a box of unopened socks. Needless to say, I never used them.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
