If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I went eBay shopping last night. Turns out I brought a Viking drinking horn. I can't even be mad.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Sent nudes to my best friend's boyfriend and mom last night. So I'm coping with that on top of my hangover this morning
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Actually we have similar relationship styles aka no relationship... it could work
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