a slip n slide in 50degree weather was the 2nd dumbest thing i have ever done. the 1st was hitting the wooden fence i believed was supposed to "help us stop"
brittany murphy hurts far more than michael jackson, patrick swayze, etc because i never masturbated to any of those other people
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
I'm watching Russian dudes pole-dance. For research.
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
Randomize
