Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
I'm taking last night back. It officially didn't happen. Tell your friends.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
Your vagina doesn't want to be violated with garnishes. I get it.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
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