Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
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