I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
Double check your contract and see if it says anything about sleeping with your manager
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
