The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Tbh the only thing I was fully concerned about from the dream was what type of fucked up parallel universe doesn't have Coca-Cola
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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