I swear she didn't look like that last week.
Chicken burrito, or no deal.
Is that code for my vagina?
Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito
I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
But seriously I don't know. I haven't seen her since I gave her back her 3 blind mice stick, and she just started hitting everybody with it.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
Well, if it's rabies, your lips will swell just prior to the frothing. Get a lot of good pics!
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
