Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
i love beer. I convinced myself that I'm going to ace the exam tomorrow. I can't even do that when I actually study.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
And then he tried to clean the throw up off my pants with 409
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
So I can officially say that someone has licked whipped cream off my nipples. Go senior year
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
i refuse to take responsibility for eating Chuck E Cheese pizza and having any other repercussions than the shits.
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
