so that wasnt chicken after all
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
But it was well worth it to see a man fly through the air in a beaver costume...
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
