they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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