You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
shit i just threw up on a freshman
i don't know if i should laugh or feel bad..
nevermind it was a sophmore, laugh.
Randomize
