As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
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you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
Aqua-barf. When you are about to puke in the toilet but pass out face first instead...and then puke. WITH YOUR FACE IN THE BOWL. There is no escaping the puke ring you have on your face. I know first hand.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
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I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
I keep finding Kraft singles in his pockets. Honestly, this is the weirdest family I've ever worked for.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
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