I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
At one point you starting double fisting oreos in your mouth confused about how you got out of the car
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
yeah, i thought because of the nature of his job he would have been better at it, but i guess there's a difference between a bagpipe and vagina
So there is a 50% chance that he just left my house and a 100% chance that I have to be up for work in 2 hours...
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize