I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
so do the steelers give the refs blowjobs at halftime or after the game?
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
He's like a fucking cake pop, the greatest thing in the world while it lasts, but it never lasts for long enough
All of the hungover. I've changed not showered but can't quite make it to the booze.
WE'RE IN THE RED ZONE PLAY THRU THE PAIN
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
