capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
I fucking hate humanity. I met a twenty three year old adult with an aol email account today. I'm not sure how those things are related, but I'm sure they are.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
It’s like a sexy version of those choose your own adventure books from when we were kids. No matter what you choose, there will be penis!
Randomize
