I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize
