Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
i spent an hour trying to convince my psychiatrist that the fact that i showed up for my appointment drunk was progress, and she does not agree
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I seriously just rolled a joint on my high school diploma. I feel like I've come so far.
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
Randomize
