They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Lmfao. We asked what you wanted to eat and you said vagina. I don't care what kind. Fresh, barbecue, roasted on a camp fire. I just want it on my taste buds.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
I just met a stripper in the light of day who I ate a candy bikini off her body. This is how my weekend is going.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
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