My gyno actually laughed when I told her about his penis size.
She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Lets just say...I plan on being a bigger shitshow than Miley Cyrus at the VMA'S
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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