Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
I honestly think she should have her own reality show called "Lowering the Bar" and it consists of a camera crew following her from Bar to bar hooking up with unsuspecting drunk attractive men.
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Like he was cock blocking and it usually takes ten cocks to block this cock
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
