she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers
are you high?
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
