areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Went home with a guy 2 " his house". Woke up this morn on couch to parents cooking breakfast, piss all over my back and he is no where to be found. That fuckr pissed on me and bounced. His parents are gonna think some drunk bitch pissed their couch.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Underwear, t-shirt, bottle of Pinot Grigio and Golden Girls. I've hit a new level of homosexual.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
My orifices are off limits as long as you have that stache. Your call.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
Ladies don't puke and tell
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize
