My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
do herpes really smell.
you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
Turn on the Discovery Channel
Lets fuck to motorcycle gang fighting
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
Well, I woke up on a roll-away, with a knot in the back of my head and penis confetti stuck to me. Also, I apparently literally gave the shirt off my back right before I passed out, so I was topless. Vegas won this trip.
I maxed out my credit card last night on powdered donuts and beef jerky
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
