I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
just peed in the tub. didnt notice the passed out drunk guys there until a minute in
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
It looks like the misc $300 credit card fraud might have been our taxi cab driver who wouldn't take boobs as payment. No wonder...
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I do have a life. It just consists of making scarves and chesse straws now
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
My vagina has a heartbeat. That means I'm in love, right?
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
