at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"
Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god
I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.
What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Yeah. I don't think I have anything left in me tho. I think I was throwing up tangible memories at one point.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
He propositioned me for a threesome once so yeah I'd say he has what it takes to run for public office
Dude I turned down free booze. I think I'm growing as a person.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
