I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
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I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
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Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
I may or may not have definitely said the words "how do I put this beer in my purse without looking like an alcoholic" last night.
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
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