my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
his pokemon pajamas? the fact that he was proud of the stretchmarks on his arms? or finding out he has a daughter that went to high school with us? ...you tell me what was the dealbreaker
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
This tent reeks of fear and sangria
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
The fact I have to evaluate my choice between tequila and fruity pebbles is a clear image of my life right now
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
I'd have to have a ring. Like I don't want to be called "the ex girlfriend that shit on me"
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