I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
No he reached for my hand at the beach. I pretended to be a seagull.
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
Randomize
