guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
If I were a hot girl. I'd whore around, I'd be awesome.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
you slapped the bag of goldfish out of her hands and screamed, "BITCH THIS AINT NO AQUARIUM". That's how fucked up
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
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