I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I cut my penus on the lid.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
I don't think you understand. Its the best fauxhawk you've ever seen. I look like a gay dinosaur.
That's the most beautiful thing I've ever heard. Can I call you littlefoot?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Tequila ran out around 11 so she let them do body shots of chips and guacamole instead
Also I am throwing a blaZer over what I wore to bed and calling it an outfit.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
