i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
you're putting all your eggs in a very hungover basket
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
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my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
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Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Don't remember our skype call last night too well, but did I pee while skyping you?
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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