You made me cry and you don't even care
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
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