Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
he was sobbing,drinking his beer, all while confessing his love for her. awkward was an understatement...
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
I just moved 6 traffic cones blocking a row of traffic. I got applause.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
