Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Little spoons don't ask big questions
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Either he masturbated at the end of the bed or she gave him a bj. Either way my bed was shaking and I was uninvolved.
We were talking about threesomes when she went to say who she would have as her third. She did not get to finish her sentence because her bf already said my name.My sheer presence destroys relationships.
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
Randomize
