You just compared our sex life to a seven year old kid.
well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME
Considering all of my stomach contents ended up in my center console, I'm a bit peckish.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Looks like a sea otter shaved my vagina. Keep an eye out for me this weekend, no one can see this.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
Randomize
