Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
despite contrary belief, getting peanut butter off your balls is not as easy as it sounds
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
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