I can only date guys with blackberrys
I just decided its a new prereq to talk to me
Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
i hate always having to make my eye shadow look really good since my eyes always end up closed by the end of the night in pics
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
we aren't going to have kids. there's a 50% chance that they would look like him. not worth the risk
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
Randomize
