Ambien. No doubt about it.
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Well get back to your date and give him the ceremonial 1am handy and text me when your done.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
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