I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
I don't remember how we paid for the cab. I do however remember giving him my heels 2 help with the bill.
She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
Yuck. My throat feels like someone chucked a couple of Maltov cocktails down it and finished it off with a super soaker filled with Jameson.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
thanks for passing me through your vagina 20 years ago today. your the best
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