WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
When confronted with a choice of going home or fucking the band ALWAYS FUCK THE BAND!!
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
You are the jesus of drinking
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
