your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
It was like inception, a dream, in a dream, in the back of a dodge charger.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
