my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
My pussy is not your playground.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing
Sidenote...no idea how to salsa
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
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