I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
Also I fell in love w a girl dressed as a pirate that was great at doing the limbo
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
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