beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I thought you just gave him blowjobs and he criticized your drug use.
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
An outback commercial just played and I remembered that guy from Australia Imade out with at the Derby. Great Bachelorette Party, btw.
I ate shit on a rock, and when I got up this car full of people asked me if I was okay, and I just sprinted away screaming "I am a banana!"
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
