so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
Randomize
