did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Do you think you could handle being our babysitter if we roofied ourselves for fun??
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
New reason to drink: alcohol makes soda taste like goddamn gold.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Randomize
