I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
I'm a little concerned about right now. You showed up at my house soaking wet, drunk with a bag of ham and 2 liter of Dr. Pepper, and you refused to tell me where you got the ham until I gave you some more liquor.
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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