Someone should tell Glenda that I only hang with her because she makes me look prettier.
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
eh, I feel I'm heading for a breakdown and I need to get it out of the way before I start writing that lab report.
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Can you please come in my room and pour water in my mouth? Too hungover to move. btw who is this guy in my bed? Can't see his face. Cute?
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
Randomize
