i was so high it looked like the chipmunks movements were coordinated to that lady gaga song
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
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