Unmistakable female orgasm noises coming from upstairs shower
She must've brought a toy -- seriously doubt that he's up to the task
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
I needed to pee, so I climbed out his window
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
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