im gay
i know
yea but for you.
Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.
I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.
Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
You're gonna be sprawled out basking in the sun working on your tan like a ridiculously hot iguana, and I'm gonna be here bundled up in about 72 layers just so I don't freeze my dick off looking like the Michelin man's gay cousin
i apologize, I may have called you an iguana
Mistakes were made
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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