you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
I know and I love you for your valets putting your thong on your seat
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
Randomize
