Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
Trying to low-key throw up in the ocean is harder than it seems.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
not that i'm not about exploiting men for money
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
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