I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now
they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
I'm going to do lines of vitamin c I cannot be sick for halloween
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I need a beard to bite.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
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