I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing
you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
For new year's, we should just keep our resolution simple and keep accomplishing burpees in heels.... while drunk.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
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