I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Why are you there anyways?
Pickin up ball pit balls from craigslist
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
Randomize
