don't bother texting me at 10. my pants WILL be off and I'm not putting them back on to come see you.
my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place
i'm sick of coming in second next to bourbon.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Hey sorry for being annoying last night, I just realized how many times I yelled "JORDAN!" during and after playing pong.
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
I'm more than my video games and dildo collection
The irony of the fact that I'm going to be starting my period on Thanksgiving. Something to truly be thankful for.
Just don't let me do two things: Beer bongs filled with vodka or shot competitions
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
