He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
i don't think my family understands the severity of a twenty first birthday.
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
The sex was so boring I heard the people having sex next door and I wanted to stop just to listen
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
